Denial, Relapse, Repeat

In 2008 I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. It was a diagnosis I had known was coming for some time so when I was actually sat down in a neurologists office waiting for confirmation I wasn't really all that nervous. In fact, I was relieved. I had been waiting 2 years with repetitive symptoms and I had had no answers up until that point. Fast forward 4 years. It is now May 2012 and I of course...still have Multiple Sclerosis. Do I let it take over day to day tasks? No, of course not. Do I really even acknowledge it as something in my life? Not so much. If I'm being completely honest, I'd have to say I'm probably one of the worst MS patients as far as consistency with medications and treatments to prevent relapse. For example, I had health insurance - great insurance- through my employer Wells Fargo. Well, Wells Fargo was bought out in our division by Health Smart. Health Smarts insurance... TERRIBLE. Mail delivery medications were now 50% of of pocket costs whereas with Wells Fargo I was paying $90 every 3 months. The medicine I was prescribed is expensive. REALLY expensive. It's Copaxone - a once daily subcutaneous injection in 1 of several locations permitted. Each box has a 1 month supply in it. Copaxone averages somewhere close to $4,000/month. Now, let me tell you - when working at Health Smart I was making under $10 an hour which is nothing close to what was needed to pay for this necessary medication. So I did one of the worst things I probably could have done. I quit taking it. Relapses were at a low and migraines could be managed by a high dose of Excedrin Migraine (which conveniently was recently taken off the shelves by the FDA). I have 2 boxes of Copaxone still with me now and I am way over due for a refill on the prescription. In essence, I don't take my medicine as prescribed. Most of the fear is getting into it and then suddenly stopping. I'm freaked out at the idea even of stopping suddenly and feel repercussions from that. So I weaned off. I am currently on year 4 of official diagnosis and Year 6 from first symptoms to hospitalization and I've only ever been hospitalized for Multiple Sclerosis since that time, twice. I was beginning to think I am invincible with this disease... or I thought so until I read something through Kindle. The MS Project - a book compiled of stories from MS patients. One of those stories stuck with me. It explained how for several years (approximately 10) this patient felt the same way I do now and handled medicines and dosing as I have. They were symptom free for 10+ years. Then... MS attacked (as it typically does) and everything changed. Perhaps I'm continuing to live a "fancy free" life because I'm in denial, in fact I don't doubt that one bit. No relapses, mild issues... I'm fine, just fine. What I am worried about now, especially after reading these stories, is that this disease is going to hit me...blindside me.... and there won't be anything I can do at that time to fix it. I should fix it now.... and I want to - but again, still no major symptoms. So right now at this moment I am in complete and total denial of this disease. When something hurts, or a leg gets frozen or a migraine hits, I assume that it comes with age and my weight even. It's not MS related I convince myself and go on. If it was, how would I ever know?? I know what my previous symptoms have been like, hell there's a whole video on YouTube I posted about it, but if something else occurs or is occurring, how will I know if it's MS or not? That's the most fucked up thing about this disease... YOU JUST DON'T KNOW. Regardless if I am in denial or not, I'm making subtle changes. Smoking for example - something that has run my life for almost 16 years. I'm stopping. My quit date is tomorrow. First attempt. I'll blog, we'll see. I can't promise major change with this, I can hope for it, but a promise may lead to a let down and then a let down may trigger a relapse. Stupid cigarettes. For now though... I'm here, writing when I can. I'm horrible at closing a "blog" because I really just run out of things to say at the moment. Goodnight.