When One Chapter Closes...

Throughout my life, however significant or insignificant it may be, I have found it to have many chapters. (I love how I start a ventful blog with a metaphor pertaining to my life..) I do though, have chapters. People seem to phase in and out so often, it's almost impossible to keep track of everyone without having chapters. Aside from the people that phase, the things I go through, the experiences I find myself experiencing! All of which deem itself worthy of a notation, in the least, in my book of life! Well with much hesitation I write this blog. It's pretty severely overdue and since I have time on lunch right now, as I'm fasting to .... fast, I have the time. Aside from this sorely excuse, I feel that if I don't vent or write out how I feel in a relatively descriptive way to a blog that absolutely noone reads, then I'll burst out at the seams at my place of employment, to the person who drives too slow on the way home or worse, my children. Let's not have that...please. For the past year - which it has officially been as of today, 1 full year. 365 days of non-marital relative bliss and hell. A relationship of sorts, with the guy who stands forth in my header to this blog. His name is Maurice. Maurice and I have a crazy sort of relationship. The kind you definitely don't read about in fairytales. That's not us. The soap operas or Sunday night ABC programming, still not us. We're just... US. The past week has been absolute torture on my soul. Between the hustle and bustle for a holiday that I absolutely adore, and really not feeling like I was ready for it, Maurice decided that we needed to no longer be together. Now, the crazy thing about it is when he first said this to me, it stung. So bad in fact that I really felt numb. Everything went numb. A flash back of my life went racing in front of me and nothing really made sense. Now, I am a relatively emotional person and I usually fall in line with crying. Something quite typical. I was a bit concerned over my lack of crying. Why wasn't I upset about this and why was I JUST numb? Perhaps I didn't think it was real. I continued on with my life, ignoring the reality. Thursday hit. Trick or Treat night and the original day that I started this blog. I came home rushing to get children in their costumes and I opened the front door to see flattened boxes strewn about in the dining room. It was real. It hit. The deep pitting feeling I had not felt, the tears that I had believed weren't going to come were very real and though still not streaming, were right there in the back of my throat. I knew it was real. very real. My life - seemed over. I was losing my best friend. The person I felt I could spend my life with. The one person in this world I felt the most comfortable with and who I felt I could be myself around - and it was all going to come crashing down around me and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. Nothing I could say would make it better. The worst part is he wouldn't hardly look at me. No conversation at all and no rhyme or reason. This continued on - and I continued to feel numb. The tears feeling worse, all the while feeling like I had done something very wrong. Already on anti-depressants realizing this was just making everything worse. Wondering if this was the end. The very last thing I had to look forward to. The very last thread of happiness I had - when was it, with him - when was it? When did I feel it? Worse, when did he feel it?? Was it just me? Was I blind - why didn't I see this coming? What was going on? Why is that filter up and why is it blocking me from understanding this to its fullest extent? I just don't get it. This is my life - and it's falling apart. This is my love. THIS IS MY BOYFRIEND. I know I can rebuild. I know I can regroup and figure it out. It's what I do. Emergency mode. But why can't it just work? I've spent so many nights praying to God and thanking him for everything I've been given - my children, Maurice - my life however messed up it is, its so perfectly chaotic. I function best when things are in turmoil. I'm a fixer - I've got to have things completely in shut down before I can find my way out of it. I have to be at the bottom before I can climb to the top. I know some way we'll make it - I know I can get past this and I know the pit I feel, the sorrow I feel can be fixed, I'm just not sure what it's going to take. I want to cry, I want to scream. I want to say *F7dK* the world and just be done - The fight is hard, complicated and I sometimes feel so insignificant in the immensity of it all, but alas I continue on and another chapter must be started .... the title - nameless.