Goodbye My Almost Lover

I've not been able to find many songs that speak to me right now.... this one does. A Fine Frenzy Your fingertips across my skin The palm trees swaying in the wind Images You sang me Spanish lullabies The sweetest sadness in your eyes Clever trick I never want to see you unhappy I thought you'd want the same for me Goodbye, my almost lover Goodbye, my hopeless dream I'm trying not to think about you Can't you just let me be? So long, my luckless romance My back is turned on you I should've known you'd bring me heartache Almost lovers always do We walked along a crowded street You took my hand and danced with me Images And when you left you kissed my lips You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no I never want to see you unhappy I thought you'd want the same for me Goodbye, my almost lover Goodbye, my hopeless dream I'm trying not to think about you Can't you just let me be? So long, my luckless romance My back is turned on you I should've known you'd bring me heartache Almost lovers always do I cannot go to the ocean I cannot drive the streets at night I cannot wake up in the morning Without you on my mind So you're gone and I'm haunted And I bet you are just fine Did I make it that easy To walk right in and out of my life? Goodbye, my almost lover Goodbye, my hopeless dream I'm trying not to think about you Can't you just let me be? So long, my luckless romance My back is turned on you I should've known you'd bring me heartache Almost lovers always do

Denial, Relapse, Repeat

In 2008 I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. It was a diagnosis I had known was coming for some time so when I was actually sat down in a neurologists office waiting for confirmation I wasn't really all that nervous. In fact, I was relieved. I had been waiting 2 years with repetitive symptoms and I had had no answers up until that point. Fast forward 4 years. It is now May 2012 and I of course...still have Multiple Sclerosis. Do I let it take over day to day tasks? No, of course not. Do I really even acknowledge it as something in my life? Not so much. If I'm being completely honest, I'd have to say I'm probably one of the worst MS patients as far as consistency with medications and treatments to prevent relapse. For example, I had health insurance - great insurance- through my employer Wells Fargo. Well, Wells Fargo was bought out in our division by Health Smart. Health Smarts insurance... TERRIBLE. Mail delivery medications were now 50% of of pocket costs whereas with Wells Fargo I was paying $90 every 3 months. The medicine I was prescribed is expensive. REALLY expensive. It's Copaxone - a once daily subcutaneous injection in 1 of several locations permitted. Each box has a 1 month supply in it. Copaxone averages somewhere close to $4,000/month. Now, let me tell you - when working at Health Smart I was making under $10 an hour which is nothing close to what was needed to pay for this necessary medication. So I did one of the worst things I probably could have done. I quit taking it. Relapses were at a low and migraines could be managed by a high dose of Excedrin Migraine (which conveniently was recently taken off the shelves by the FDA). I have 2 boxes of Copaxone still with me now and I am way over due for a refill on the prescription. In essence, I don't take my medicine as prescribed. Most of the fear is getting into it and then suddenly stopping. I'm freaked out at the idea even of stopping suddenly and feel repercussions from that. So I weaned off. I am currently on year 4 of official diagnosis and Year 6 from first symptoms to hospitalization and I've only ever been hospitalized for Multiple Sclerosis since that time, twice. I was beginning to think I am invincible with this disease... or I thought so until I read something through Kindle. The MS Project - a book compiled of stories from MS patients. One of those stories stuck with me. It explained how for several years (approximately 10) this patient felt the same way I do now and handled medicines and dosing as I have. They were symptom free for 10+ years. Then... MS attacked (as it typically does) and everything changed. Perhaps I'm continuing to live a "fancy free" life because I'm in denial, in fact I don't doubt that one bit. No relapses, mild issues... I'm fine, just fine. What I am worried about now, especially after reading these stories, is that this disease is going to hit me...blindside me.... and there won't be anything I can do at that time to fix it. I should fix it now.... and I want to - but again, still no major symptoms. So right now at this moment I am in complete and total denial of this disease. When something hurts, or a leg gets frozen or a migraine hits, I assume that it comes with age and my weight even. It's not MS related I convince myself and go on. If it was, how would I ever know?? I know what my previous symptoms have been like, hell there's a whole video on YouTube I posted about it, but if something else occurs or is occurring, how will I know if it's MS or not? That's the most fucked up thing about this disease... YOU JUST DON'T KNOW. Regardless if I am in denial or not, I'm making subtle changes. Smoking for example - something that has run my life for almost 16 years. I'm stopping. My quit date is tomorrow. First attempt. I'll blog, we'll see. I can't promise major change with this, I can hope for it, but a promise may lead to a let down and then a let down may trigger a relapse. Stupid cigarettes. For now though... I'm here, writing when I can. I'm horrible at closing a "blog" because I really just run out of things to say at the moment. Goodnight.

Our Love Story - shortened!

In 1993, a boy and a girl met for the very first time at Summer camp in Brunswick, Maryland. It was love at first sight – or what they knew to be of love at just 11 and 12 years old. The girl, Nicole thought this boy, Maurice was so dreamy. She was very excited to hang out with him every day for an entire summer and he felt the same way about her. They would play games like Monopoly when they were stuck indoors during rainy summer days and he would never let her win (but she did let him win!). On nicer days they would go swimming, chasing each other around the pool or go walking around the track (since the camp was based at a high school). Their friends picked on them because they were seemingly inseparable. It didn’t matter though, the companionship was very nice. They were even coordinated on their outfits – solid colors and Nicole was taller than Maurice but neither of them really noticed.



One day, about half way through the summer Maurice told Nicole he was going to another camp but would be back. Before he left he gave her a picture of him.



She loved this picture and thought it captured him very well. As the summer went on, while Maurice was gone, Nicole found another boy she liked (but now cannot remember his name). This seemed fine since summer flings at age 12 were never a big deal. But, Maurice came back from the other camp and found Nicole was talking to the other boy. Maurice didn’t like this and he was very sad. The rest of the summer was very awkward for both Nicole and Maurice and they didn’t talk much. Nicole thought about him a lot though and regretted talking to the other boy.
After summer was over, Maurice went back to school in Brunswick and Nicole went back to school in Boonsboro (though the two only lived 5 minutes from each other, Nicole lived right over the county line so she had to go 30 minutes away to school). For almost 6 or 7 years the two didn’t see each other at all despite having a lot of mutual friends and Nicole working in Brunswick with the mutual friends. Nicole still had the picture Maurice had given her and always kept it in the top drawer of her dresser, reminding her of this boy she once knew. In 1999/2000 Nicole was hanging out with friends one night and decided to go to Denny’s. This just so happened to be the very same Denny’s Maurice was working at, but she didn’t know that beforehand. As she was casually chatting over dinner with friends, Maurice walked up and said, “Hello.” Nicole replied with the same greeting and did not immediately recognize Maurice. Throughout the remainder of the meal she wondered who he was and why his face seemed so familiar. This bugged her for a long time; until she came across the picture he had given her and remembered. Unfortunately this realization wasn’t soon enough and she missed the opportunity to find out more about this guy.

A few more years went by (almost another 6 years!) and Nicole, now a single mom of 2, living with a friend in Charleston, WV – 6 hours from Maryland, searched Maurice on myspace.com and found him! He was married, living in Virginia, in the Navy and seemingly happy. She took the chance and messaged him, just to ask if he remembered her. A few days later, he replied! His response explained that he was shocked to find her, said that he didn’t know her last name but has searched for her before. She was happy about this but made it clear she just wanted to be friends, he agreed. A month or so went by after these first MySpace messages and Maurice messaged and said he and his wife Heather would be driving through Charleston, WV on their way to Kentucky to visit some of Heathers family. Nicole offered up a coffee stop for them and thought how nice it would be to catch up. Maurice and Heather agreed (Heather is a mutual friend too!). In June of 2006 Maurice and Heather came to Charleston for coffee and to meet with Nicole but they ended up staying a whole week! It was nice to have them hang out for so long. Nicole and her friend who was living with her at the time, took Maurice and Heather to Ichiban in Charleston for dinner. Midway through the meal Heather and Nicole stepped outside for some air and Heather began to tell Nicole everything she had known about her based off of what Maurice had told her. Heather explained that after the summer Maurice met Nicole, he beat up the other boy she was “dating”. This started a little list of criminal issues for Maurice but Nicole thought it was incredibly sweet that he fought for her. Heather and Nicole also discussed how many more mutual friends they had and even had witnessed a couple of situations where they were at the same place, watching something happen but at 2 different angles/views. How crazy! Nicole thought Heather was very sweet and was very happy for her and Maurice. After dinner this night they all went back to Nicole’s house. Nicole’s friend and Heather fell asleep and Maurice and Nicole stayed up late chatting outside and catching up on what all had gone on in their lives, after all at this point it had been 14 years since their first meeting. Nicole found Maurice to be fascinating and he found the same characteristics in her. Near the end of the night he even tried to kiss her, but she refused stating his wife was just inside the house asleep and she wasn’t there to ruin his marriage, just reconnect. Maurice explained that his marriage was rocky anyway but Nicole stood her ground on the subject so they continued to stay friends and stay connected. Two weeks after Maurice and Heather left West Virginia, Maurice was deployed on a 6 month cruise for the Navy. He sent her postcards letting her know where he was and though she promised to write back, she didn’t because life kind of just happened, especially with 2 kids!



In December 2006, Maurice came home from cruise and walked into an empty apartment he had shared with his wife, Heather. She had cheated on him while he was away and left him, taking all of their stuff, even Maurice’s favorite cat ever, Taz. Maurice was heartbroken and sought refuge with Nicole. They talked on the phone a lot and Nicole mentioned to him that he shouldn’t be alone on Christmas, offering up her home as a place to spend the holiday. She told him this at almost 1am two days before Christmas, and Maurice promised he would be at her house. Nine hours later he arrived. He drove all night to come see her. Nicole knew he was sad and tried to help him through everything. He left the day after Christmas for some military workups feeling a little better. When he got back to Virginia, Heather had filed for divorce. Maurice and Nicole kept talking, and it was nice again to have company, he even came to visit again in June 2007 which was nice. They went to Coonskin Park with Nicole’s children and had a blast. Nicole thought it was very nice how he interacted with her kids and her kids thought he was cool too!

He even liked her crazy faces which of course made her happy because everyone else thought she was weird.



Later than year, Maurice left the military and moved in with Nicole. He showed up right around Halloween. Nicole was elated and Maurice was too! They built the beginnings of a life together. In March 2008 Maurice’s divorce was final and both were relieved that it was. It meant they could really throw things into full force.

Now in 2012, Nicole and Maurice are happier than ever. They share inside jokes (lots of them) and seem to find the best in each other, no matter how strange everyone else might think they are. In the past 5 years they have learned a lot about each other and are about to take on a new chapter in their lives by moving to Florida to be closer to Nicole’s mom who is in kidney failure. Whatever happens, they’ll do it together, especially considering he just asked her to marry him (no date set yet!).

Someone Like You

I dedicate this to my love, Maurice. The moment I saw him again after 15 years in 2007 I was just amazed. Now, 4 years later I fall in love all over again everytime I see him. Today starts a new adventure in our lives. At 9:30 this morning Maurice got on a Greyhound bus headed to Indiana for CR England Trucking School. He'll be gone more often than not and I pray that this is what we need. Maurice, I love you.

I heard That you’re settled down
That you Found a girl
And your married now
I heard That your dreams came true
I guess she gave you things
I didn’t give to you
Oh friend
Why you so shy
Ain’t like you to hold back
Or hide from the light
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away I couldn’t fight it
I hoped you’d see my face and be reminded
That for me
It isn’t over
Nevermind
I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best
For you too
Don’t forget me
I beg I’ll remember you still
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead
You know how the time flies
Only yesterday
It was the time of our lives
We were born and bred
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise
Of our glory days
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away I couldn’t fight it
I hoped you’d see my face and be reminded
That for me
It isn’t over
Nevermind
I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best
For you too
Don’t forget me
I beg
I’ll remember you still
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead
Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
And memories made
Who would have known
How bittersweet
This would taste
Nevermind I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best
For you too Don’t forget me
I beg I’ll remember you still
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead
Nevermind I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best
For you too Don’t forget me
I beg I’ll remember you still
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead

Adele – Someone Like You Lyrics

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I planned to blog tonight..

but I found a HILARIOUS website which now has me completely sidetracked and thankful I don't have an Iphone for fear that I would just pee my pants everytime auto correct happened to me.

MUST SEE.

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/

New Hair!

In an effort to step away from my comfort zone which was incredibly uncomfortable "last year" I decided to get my hair cut. I had noticed while visiting my mom in Florida during Christmas that my hair had a ridiculous amount of split ends. I had already scheduled an appointment with my neighbor who cuts hair at Salon 209, Stephanie and really as much as I had cut was her idea... but I think it is perfect! I had somewhere near 5-6 inches cut off which.. for me... is a ...lot.

In any sense.. I feel ... new and different... and the style fits me and my personality. My moms claim .. "it softens my forehead". :)